Steps to Connect…
One of my favorite childhood /adult games to play is Connect Four. The object of the game is to CONNECT your set of colored checkers in a row, and the player who wins manages to connect four checkers in a row. Now there are ALL kinds of challenges when playing this game. One, of the main challenges is that you have obstacles (the person you are playing against) who is INTENTIONALLY interrupting your connections. This person is watching your moves and creating strategies to prevent you from connecting.
Similarly, in life there are many challenges that prevent us from connecting: childhood hurt, abuse, guilt, depression, shame, low self-esteem, insecurity, trauma, grief and loss, lack of trust, etc. However, just like in the Connect Four game, you WIN when you CONNECT. Yes, I said it. You can WIN the battle over depression, hurt, guilt, shame, and so many other things through CONNECTION. Not that connection eliminates previous struggles or trials you endured (remember in the game you have to work HARD to win), but CONNECTION certainly gives you a joy and victory.
Here are some strategies to help you CONNECT
1. LOOK for opportunities to engage with others. This can be as simple as making eye contact within someone and smiling in their direction. Or intentionally holding the door, reserving/giving up a seat for someone. Saying “hello” to the person you pass in the supermarket. These may all seem like “small things” but they are intentional reminders that you are not alone, you share this planet in the company of others, and we actually NEED each other and can benefit from being around others. Perspective is everything. Being sensitive and available to meet the needs of others, takes the focus off of your needs and opens you up to the belief that connection matters and is possible.
2. Do not Isolate. This is a tough one, because when we are hurt or overwhelmed a defense mechanism is to self-protect and disengage. However, the truth is that we NEED each other. You are not born alone, you are born into a family. Even if you dislike your family/would have chosen other circumstances surrounding your birth you were still born needing the support and connection of others to SURVIVE. Did you know that even when children are born prematurely or with illnesses and are in intensive care units in the hospital, the child that is HEALTHIEST is the one who receives the MOST human CONNECTION (i.e. touch, held, spoken to etc.). The same applies now. We are healthiest with connection and we NEED connection. Make it a priority to find a community/places/spaces/circles where you are accepted and loved.
3. Believe the best. Follow the motto of our judicial system: innocent until proven guilty. Sometimes we struggle to connect because we are convicting people as guilty of the crimes (hurts, offenses) committed by another without any evidence. This is certain to create disconnection and lead to isolation. Simply choose to believe the best. When someone says “hello”, smiles at you, or compliments you, believe that the person is being nice. Do not accuse them of being a liar, question their motives, or reject the gesture without evidence.
This is not a comprehensive list of ways to connect, but it is definitely a way to get started and to help you CONNECT!